Sixty-Five

And so it goes.

I guess... there hasn't been enough time to pass for a retrospective "effective reflective perspective"

--regardless.

*BRUSH IT OFF*

{although it does make me more confident in my beliefs.}

Sixty-Four

I just want to make a point that:

• i feel terrible for people who don't think love is worth the vulnerability
• NOBODY will convince me to live a single emotion life
• i will see right through all your bullshit.

[you can't hide from the truth.]

and this is because the truth finds me and i'm with you.

this is a good representation of my mood.

Sixty-Three

You can't hide.

BE BRAVE.

somehow, being utterly candid with nate is effortless, but with my family it becomes the most painful experience.

F. U. supressive censorship.

my days have become black and white between commute from school and home.

Sixty-Two

How long has it been since I've felt satisfied?

since I've been excited to begin a new day each morning?

since one-on-one time was so profound?

I'm not sure where this is going, but the uncertainty, for once, isn't driving me nuts. I also wasn't sure how to go about being someone who goes with the flow-- the feel of things-- instead of processing and planning life out. Things are messy, they're out of anyone's control, so why sweat the small stuff?

Que sera sera.

Sixty-One

[COMPLAIN.]

wah wah wah.

i know it's tough, i know it's different than anything you've done before, and i know it's boring as hell.

BUT MAYBE WE CAN CHANGE THAT.

Sixty

and so it begins.

a new school.

a new interest.

a new way of life.

<3

Fifty-Nine

According to my research, stemming from my affinity of OST's (Orchestral Soundtracks),
I have found that Erik Satie not only composed Gnossienne No. 1, but in fact it was part of a collection.

This collection being, "Les Gnossiennes," written after his more famous "Gymnopedie" which was one of the earliest forms of ambient music. He was a french composer of the late 19th century and catagorized his work as "furniture music" as it was something more to be setting a mood in the background than focused on.

Such delicate moods and harmonies make it perfectly clear to me that his music be used in movies such as The Painted Veil --where I stumbled upon Gnossienne No. 1. It also seems poignant that music such as this was littered in Possession merely because of the plot's timeline and setting. Both films having fantastic OST's (in my opinion) and are great examples of truly using ambient music to set the tone of a scene.

{Absobloodylutely fascinating.}

Fifty-Eight

Bleh. Blah. Blech. Ew.

NO BUENO.

it's just. really dumb.

REALLY.

really?

get over yourselves.

Fifty-Seven

TODAY WAS GREAT.

[excellent. lovely. silly. strange. fantastic. bold. new. awesome. interesting.]

Fifty-Six

I went on the man hunt.

...and I think I actually caught something.

WHAT IS THIS CRAZINESS?

also, a haiku:
It's easy as cake
Because good pie is infact,
Much harder to make

Fifty-Five

hellzea, beyonce is a BAMF!

Fifty-Four

and life goes on.

and on.

and on.

and on.

Fifty-Three

When it comes to my sister, my Achilles heel of sorts, I feel like the worst person I can be is alive in her.

As much as it's her fault, her person, her decision, it began a long time ago with me. I'm her root. She's literally a branch of me... where the bad apples grow.

My sister is all the hate, meanness, laziness, stupidity, self-consciousness I ever was. Combined. She is the yelling, the immaturity, the small-mindedness that at one point or another resides in ourselves that we eventually outgrow.

But she's been stunted, you see. No one in my family really knows how to love someone. My parents divorced and are almost entirely bitter towards any idea of cordiality now. My dad has tried to love my sister through gifts. Toys R Us after the split in 3rd grade, Valentine's Day stuffed animals (which I never received), and money to burn as she has gotten older. The youngest is supposed to be spoiled anyway, aren't they? My mom has tried to love her by showing her how much she cares through reprimanding her shortcomings and pushing her in promising directions, but she retains her apathy to even greater heights. And then we come to me-- the older sister. The one who is here to influence her taste in music and inspire her to get good grades in school. But no. Ever since my mom moved out and the one fateful therapist visit where I refused to talk and my sister gave everything away simply because she was too young to understand the concept of sisterhood bonds; i've treated her as she was the dumbest thing to walk the earth. She'll never understand, she'll never be good enough, she's a failure.

After that, it was a competition, to me. But to my sister, it was personal. I see that now. I'd cut her by turning my back on her and now she slumps. She's a weeping willow hiding her wounds behind layers of straightened and dyed pronds. Her hair covering her eyes. Thick eyeliner and waterproof mascara-laden lashes. She's putting on a facade-- it's probably been so long she doesn't realize it anymore. It's that she can't let herself be traumatized again so she's hardened her shell with plastic fakeness. So for all I was striving for in an attempt to better myself from my achievements and fill the void, she'd already adopted another person. I wanted to win and she wanted to be someone else, because I made her feel less than if she was going to be herself.

After all the repetition of my insensitive criticisms, she's begun to believe them, believe me. She'd never admit to it, but all my attempts to get through to her in the last few years have been futile because she is actually, now, what I've told her she was all along.

And it's my fault. She is my greatest failure.

Fifty-Two

*AHEM*

[ordinary ovations]

• Hercules on ABC Family
• Foosball with Jennie, Adam H, and Stephen
• Art "lessons" with Peter
• Planz(?) with Holli later

cha bra, cha.

: D

Fifty-One

I am livid.
Cacklingly livid.
Nearly off my rocker
in the reminder of her existence.
She boils my blood
Nail on a chalkboard
Nat in my ear
Flare my nostrils one more time!
You--
YOU--
Have me teetering on the edge
We'll tear each other apart...
One day.
When climax comes to a head.











i. can't. love.

YOU!!

Fifty

meowwww you job hunter, you!

GET 'EM TIGER.

:p

Forty-Nine

Two horses in yellow light

eating windfall apples under a tree

as summer tears apart milkweeds stagger

and grasses grow more ragged

They say there are ions in the sun

neutralizing magnetic fields on earth

Some way to explain

what this week has been, and the one before it!

if I am flesh sunning on rock

if I am brain burning in fluorescent light

if I am dream like a wire with fire

throbbing along it

if I am death to man

I have to know it

His mind is too simple, I cannot go on

sharing nightmares

My own are becoming clearer, they open

into prehistory

which looks like a village lit with blood

where all the fathers are crying: My son is mine!

Forty-Eight

Last full day in Seattle...

HMM.



at least i got to see wyeth's work.

: )

Forty-Seven

I'm having a grand ol' time in Seattle!

Yesterday we went on a bike ride with Joyce and Roger's neighbor Lisa and her niece... we ended up going for 19 miles.

I. AM. SORE.

ok?

Tomorrow, Joyce and I are going to SAM (Seattle Art Museum) for a few different exhibits on my last full day here. Also, we're planning on a ferryboat ride! Which means I've taken:

• Planes
• Trains
• Automobiles!
• Also, bikes
• Ferries
• Taxis
• Buses
• and WALKED!!!

...dayum.

<3

Forty-Six

I'd like to appologize for that last post. Steinbeck is apparently way over my head for me to comprehend his greatness.

ALSO! I've got Ordinary Ovations to pass out, children!

• Crown Center with Lizzy to see some BA Lego Sculpture
• We also managed to find ourselves in Union Station, from which the Amtrak really does still have running trains out of!!!!!!!! OMG!
• I, as you can see, FINALLY finished The Grapes of Wrath, so that's a plus...
• Lizzy and I watched Before the Rains and managed to laugh uncontrollably at Jennifer Ehle's intense/angry eyes

woot. son. woot.

[seattle tomorrow, see ya l8r]

Forty-Five

You see this book? I find myself screaming in agony at its sheer HUMOR! It's... like a joke! A four-hundred and fifty page joke. A slap in the face that leaves you with more questions than answers. A fine piece of Steinbeckism.

[EFF MY LIFE]

and yes, i refuse to like you until i understand you. and yes, that may never be the case.

Forty-Four

I'm sorry.

BUT HERCULES, THE LITTLE MERMAID, AND POCAHONTAS DISNEY MOVIES HAVE THE BEST SONGS.

also:




X D

Forty-Three

you are my

• sunshine
• optimism
• hope
• courage
• HONESTY!
• sincerity
• hero
• violet

HOW SILLY! wonderwall's playing on pandora... hm.

: P

ALSO!

HOW MANY MGMT "ELECTRIC FEEL" REMIXES CAN ONE FIND ON YOUTUBE?

yeah right, like i'm putting them all up... this is the only one worth your time: